Happy Home

So, I haven’t blogged in a bit about anything meaningful because I’ve been busy doing shit, as well as angsting. I work 6 am-2pm every day but Thursday, when I work 6am-9am and have a volunteer shift at the co-op from 11am-3pm. I talked to my parents a few nights ago. For 40 minutes.

Did I hold this conversation in my apartment, indoors? No. I walked to the building on campus where I had my nervous breakdown in November, where I had sex with Ian, where I had my huge argument with Ian, where I cried with 3 of my friends, where I spent awhile smoking outside with Devyn in November, where I called Jared and sat on the front stairs talking to him for an unsatisfying bit. I sat outside. It was raining. By the end of the phone call, I was trying DAMN hard not to cry—I view that as a sign of weakness now—but leaking anyway. Dripping wet. Shaking with anger and with the effort of holding tears in.

And during our fun lil’ convo, mom and i had the following exchange:

Mom: “Well, blah blah, you do need to recognize that you have a disorder.”

Self: “Uh, I was diagnosed with major depression in the hospital. That just means I’m sad.”

Mom: “No, Sherri [Rawsthorn, she’s in Lawrenceville GA and if it was possible to ‘pimp’ a shrink I would] only didn’t diagnose you with BPD because you weren’t 18 yet.” [quit therapy about a week before turning 18. dumb idea.]

Reactions to this were:

1) Why the hell didn’t they see fit to inform me of this?

2) I can now join the club with Susanna Kaysen. No, seriously, this wasn’t even a sarcastic thought.

3) I don’t like saying, “I have a disorder.” I refuse to be one of those whiny bitches (coughcoughelizabethwurtzel) who blames everything on her ‘illness.’ Bullshit. BPD isn’t an illness. Or a disease. It’s just a huge damn problem.

That thing that calls itself my mother suggested reading up on it, so I did/am. I thought I knew a good bit about psychology, but hell. Textbook bipolar.

Feeling unusually “high,” sleeping very little yet feeling energetic, racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, HUGE yes on the acting impulsively/engaging in reckless behavior, unpredictable mood swings, BIG problems with fear of abandonment, uncontrollable crying.

So, we have a problem and a few questions. Which I will continue in my next post as I don’t want to be obnoxious and post something really long.