Happy Home

(via fuckyeahhousemd)

at least they knew to take his shoelaces.

Fuckyeahhousemd: new favorite blog. Thanks for posting this. :)

16 September 2009 • sex wtf is up with that haircut

I’m proud of you, MA. For doing what I’m struggling to do. And I mean, it is really a fucking struggle for me. You’re right, I’m not in your position, I can’t and shouldn’t tell you what to do. I can’t imagine how fucking hard it is for you to put someone you love at arm’s distance. I don’t even love Deer, I never will. I have no desire to. So in a sense i understand why my actions here are incomprehensible.

But I’m trying.

I like being needed. But I also want/deserve to be wanted, and in more than a sexual sense.

I like sex.

28 August 2009 • Marine Asshole Deer sex GODWHYAREALLMENDOUCHES

So, I have a therapy session tonight that I am super pumped about. Not.

And then later tonight, Deer and I are making the drive to the park where I was raped. It’s a good distance away. I thought he was a sweet guy, and I hope we can stay friends for a long time. But he’s a douchebag. You don’t want a romantic relationship with me? Fine. But you won’t count me as the one you lose your virginity to because you “don’t like me enough?” That’s fucked up.

So we’re going. I’ve warned him about a million times that he needs to be gentle, told him what to do if I have a flashback, warned him away from wearing my trigger color, thanked him bunches. I just want to do it once, sorta, and get out. Make ONE good memory in that town. Take away the lingering association fears I have. Feel safe for awhile.

I sent in a postsecret, ages ago, about my safe word (lol at heather and having a NEED for one; i really don’t think you should in any relationship) and how marine asshole’s the only man i’ve ever felt completely safe around. That was before anything weird happened, or I got bitchy. It’s still true.

And I feel like i’m cheating on NWKH. Which…I totally should not be feeling, as we are not in a relationship. I just feel like there’s something better for me. That I DESERVE better. Even though the sex is great.

So. We’ll see how things go.

27 August 2009 • Marine asshole Deer NWKH rape flashback park sex goodbye

So this guy Deer and I are splitting up. I don’t like that. I realllyyy don’t like that. Because it means I went on birth control for nothing. And because I don’t think I’m strong enough to leave. He satisfies some need in me. And he’s the closest thing to a good sexual experience that I’ve ever had. But at some point, UNLIKE YOU JARED, you reach a point where you need to grow some self respect and ask yourself (for any relationship—romantic, sexual, or just platonic):

“Is this good for me? Is this healthy? Am I going to come out of this a better person? Or am I going to feel empty, bitter, wondering what’s gonna happen next?”

I’m sorry, I like myself too much to settle for someone who’s just going to use me for sex (even though I am a HUGE fan of sex), and who won’t “count” me as the one they lose their virginity to. Fuck that. Goodbye Deer.

And Jared, know that despite us not talking, despite you being pissed off, despite you saying that shit that you KNOW really hurt me…I still love you. You’re still my friend, and I’m only looking out for your best interests. I’m not even being selfish there. I would never want to get sexually or otherwise involved with someone that disgusts me. And honestly, right now, you kinda are.

23 August 2009 • sex goodbye Marine asshole Deer don't settle

The Library Story

I text Deer earlier today saying “You know what, Deer, tough blah blah blah things I don’t feel comfortable revealing on the blog blah blah.” And we agreed to meet at the library at 3:45. I’m wearing what can politely be described as less than modest clothing. Schoolgirl skirt. Tall black boots. Shirt that makes my boobs look so huge I almost look pregnant.

We meander up to the 7th floor, and say hello. Cough. Cough. Deer taps me midway through saying hello and goes,”I think someone saw us.” Apparently some guy in a blue shirt walked behind us and I was COMPLETELY oblivious. We don’t think much of it, but we do move to a study carrel in the sixth floor. We continue saying hello..for maybe another hour and a half (we originally set a time limit of 20 minutes—Ha. Ha.). Then we’re ready to leave, we adjust ourselves and head downstairs.

Oh look. Blue shirt guy TALKING TO A SECURITY GUARD AND BLOCKING THE EXIT. We both freak and begin wandering around looking for alternate exits. Midway through, his mother calls. I can’t make this stuff up. For some reason, this reminds me that I left my medals upstairs (…what, they get in the way?) in our study carrel of shame. We go back, get the medals, come back downstairs, and decide we just have to leave separately and hope it was just a false flag.

So we did. Ian left first, I followed shortly after.

BEST TIME I HAVE EVER HAD, OR WILL EVER HAVE, IN A LIBRARY!

EPIC. MOTHERLOVING. WIN.

19 August 2009 • library Deer sex blue shirt guy

The Library Story (prelude)

Okay. So backup a bit…

Last night, Deer and I agreed to meet after he got off work. He was first half an hour late, then showed up with his brother. I just find this awkward, as a) his brother knows OF me and of what Deer & me are up to, without knowing me and b) they have the exact same haircut which makes them impossible to tell apart. Brother left. Deer and I talk for an hour. We argue. I cry. He hugs me. There was even a brief interlude where he said something so URGH that I got my Jared Face on and wanted to slap him. Buuutttt I ended up kissing him instead. Because I have no willpower.

We talked about what happened Saturday/Sunday, where we were headed, about romantic attraction and a whole bunch of crap that made my head hurt and made me wanna cry. It was so bad that I consulted both Princess Cockblock and BICYCLE for advice. Anywho, towards the end of a tirade I look at Deer and go, “As frustrated, angry, sad, hormonal, and tired as I am I’m still on.” So he went upstairs for the bathroom, we then spent a few minutes wandering around his dorm looking for a suitable place to get frisky.

We find a patch of forest (read: dirt, leaves, twigs) behind a tennis court. We proceed to get frisky. For about two hours. I was barefoot. I got back to my apartment around 3:45, I had work the next morning at 6 AM. No joke, kids. Sex before sleep.

19 August 2009 • Deer library sex Jared Face

Remember the ob-gyn appointment where my MOTHER came in with me, and asked if I’d ever had unprotected oral sex? I have an appointment tomorrow that’s going to be even more embarrassing than that. I mean, let’s be real, people…

I’m 19 and ‘technically’ an adult. I’m a big girl now and by this age we can talk about sex without giggling or waving our fingers at perceived naughty behavior. It’s not taboo at this point. We’re safe and monogamous, at any rate. But…gah.

I still feel like something inside me is broken. Despite Saturday/Sunday’s loveliness with Deer, I still feel inadequate or weird or damaged. I have a wonderful man who I trust, who I can cuddle with, who’s awesomely openminded, who gets me going like nobody’s business (to put it politely), who’s willing to soothe over my flaws, and who I feel completely comfortable being naked with. Like…it’s a great feeling; to know you’re being admired instead of scrutinized.

Anywho, despite me being 90% sure the doctor’s only going to say “it’s all in your head,” I’m still headed to that appointment tomorrow. Wish me luck.

17 August 2009 • feeling like a frigid bitch sex

7799.) i wish wish wish for a man who can make me believe in sex again.

(via blogsecret)

This wasn’t my secret, but the wish came true. :)

4 August 2009 • reblog: blogsecret • sex deer wish upon a star

Understanding Extended Metaphors: Using Skills Gained From AP Lit In The Real World

Me: I just sent a text to my singing partner describing the wide range of...octaves I want to explore in the library.
Tall Catholic: I'm glad you and your singing partner are doing well.
Me: I hope his voice is up to my standards...though I do know the length of octaves he possesses, since I asked.
Tall: I hope that is to your liking.
Me: It is. Yay for the great oral pleasures evinced through singing.
Tall: I'm excited for you. I'm sadly sans any sort of singing partner.
Me: I don't think you're the type to sing before you're all but guaranteed a gig at Carnegie Hall.
Tall: I just haven't met a worthy singing partner yet.
Me: I've had my share of singing partners, none of whom were worth recording a CD with. Hopefully this is about to change.
Tall: I hope he is worthy of your voice.